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Independent Thinking

For the homosexual partner, the issue of identity is of great importance. It's about integrating and positioning the discovered sexual preference within the overall identity. For my wife, it was important to see that sexual preference is just one aspect of her identity (among many other aspects). It’s something she has, but not something she is. Sexual preference is not the defining aspect of her being. Her identity as a woman, wife, mother, Christian, loved one, along with her beliefs and the personal legacy (testimony) she wants to pass on, among other things, is what truly makes her the person she is. All of this ranks much higher on her list of priorities than just her sexual preference.

So being herself and expressing who she authentically is, is not solely determined by living out her sexual preference. That would do an injustice to who she truly is as a whole. Then comes the next step: experiencing her sexuality with me expresses her identity. The fact that it’s not her sexual preference is less important than the love she shows and experiences. So, in a way, her true authenticity is actually expressed in her (sexual) relationship with her husband. As a result, her feelings followed suit—enjoying it and being fully emotionally involved, giving and receiving.

When we reached that point, the picture was complete—there was no longer any obstacle in our relationship. In that sense, sexual orientation became merely a secondary aspect. However, it was a process to get there. For a long time, my wife still held on to her sexual orientation as something that defined her, unwilling to let it go. As a result, our relationship had to work around it. In this way, it blocked progress. I think many mixed-orientation marriages get stuck because of this. Defining "identity" by sexual orientation is not helpful for a mixed-orientation marriage. The current cultural attitudes and perspectives on homosexuality have a harmful impact on working through SSA (same-sex attraction) towards a positive outcome in a heterosexual marriage. As a couple, you have to make a serious effort to free yourselves from this influence before you can truly work on your relationship. This is really an issue—if you think you are thinking independently, without external influence, think again carefully. Chances are, that’s not the case!

Identity should not be defined by a group.
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My wife doesn’t feel the need to align herself in any way with the LGBTQ community. She is who she is as an individual person. Her identity should not be defined by a group, and she has no desire for that to change. I assume it's clear that we have nothing against LGBTQ people in general—after all, my wife is a lesbian. But that’s very different from feeling the need to identify with that label or the LGBTQ movement/community.

It’s important to chart your own course and make your own personal decisions. Being gay in a marriage with someone of the opposite sex is not the same as someone (usually a young adult) discovering their sexual preference and possibly struggling with it. Most people in society don’t understand this or ignore it as if it doesn’t matter. Because, well, sexual preference must take precedence above all else—that’s the dogma the media pushes 24/7. It can’t be any different; it’s not allowed to be any different.

A marriage between a gay and a straight person is unacceptable to some people. They will do all kinds of things to fight against it—sowing doubt about sincerity, making suggestive remarks about motives, spreading distortions and lies. Often, this comes from ignorance, from not realizing that things can genuinely be different than what they know or understand, but for some, apparently, anything is allowed. It can be an ideologically or politically charged area that you find yourself in. Be warned about society and organizations, whether they are LGBTQ, straight, or otherwise affiliated. There’s a chance they might try, subtly or not, to undermine you. They don’t know or understand what we’re talking about on this website, and sometimes, they consciously don’t want to.

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