Docile...
We notice a a lot of poignant pain in a world that is increasingly becoming more individualistic, and thinking about things like same-sex attraction and being faithful to each other either entails a kind of freedom and licentiousness that seeks only one's own feeling and fulfillment. Or staying together, where one partner puts the other back in the closet, where he/she has just come out of...
The closet of unfulfilled desires, rejection and emotions of a forced celibate life for the heterosexual spouse that they did not choose. For both partners, these are terribly unhappy and unhealthy conditions. No doubt there will be exceptions to this as well.
It takes courage and determination in a world where you're almost forced to believe that a MOM is impossible and everyone labels the gay partner as a victim. That confidence and strength toward each other is absolutely necessary to lay down a new and strong foundation.
You're not a victim of your marriage, nor of your preference. A decision is made, and considered together. The logical consequence of that is: a choice!
The consequence of a choice is: that choice will establish the basis for every subsequent choice. If both partners in the MOM are willing and able to follow with full acceptance and conviction to that decision together. In which orientation is no longer the all-important ‘hot potato’ issue, but that promise and that choice to each other...
Freedom of choice or
victim for life.
Non-heterosexual spouses are not a different and/or weaker kind of people.
It's as if people (therapists, but actually most people in contemporary culture) secretly and unconsciously consider non-heterosexual spouses as victims. Incapable of making choices and decisions about themselves, from the mindset: They have this non-standard sexuality, and therefore they are willing creatures who can and should follow their sexual feelings.
At first glance, it seems that these people have a lot of understanding and support, but actually and fundamentally, they reduce the "non-hetero human" to a kind of lesser beings than the "hetero kind".
Because where it is expected of heterosexuals that they have a moral compass and the willpower to stay away from deceit and adultery,... ithat other kind of people, the "non-hetero": "oh ... they are so weak and powerless.
Those poor people can't help it."
It is considered an insult to ask them to take and bear responsibility for their own lives and marriage. For that would deny their identity, etc.
And it seems that some (is it just a part or are there many?) Of the non-heteros accept this story without question.
I read about bisexual men in monogamous marriages who complained about their heterosexual partner not allowing them to have sexual encounters with men, alongside their marriage. And how it's such a deprivation they have to endure...
It focuses on what they don't get, and they seem to see themselves as some sort of victim. All too often, they convince their heterosexual partner to have compassion for the sad victim they seem to have married.
Unfortunately, this also makes the straight partner a victim, a victim of her love in conjunction with the message that the gay spouse is a different and weaker kind of human being.
Different rules apply because it is a different kind of human being. Or ... so it seems.
Well, I/we don't follow this line of thought. Non-heterosexual spouses are not a different and/or weak kind of people. They are people who can and should make own distinguishing choices.
They need to get rid of the notion of being a victim of their sexuality that is taught and conveyed to them and of which they themselves have become equally convinced.
That's our impression when we read those "I can't help it, but..." stories.
It is as if the "non-hetero" have not entered adulthood and can take responsibility for their own actions. It seems like a way they have chosen according to their own free will, but instead, they affirm culture (media, therapists, etc.): The inability of the "non-hetero" to be free and make their own choices (i.e.: based on something other than sexual feelings).
So sexual feelings and preferences should be given space and not constrained..., yet.... what if this same ' freedom' is allocated to put sth. into practice being heterosexual?
What is the thought if I, straight man, coveted much younger girls in addition to my marriage, would I get that same sympathy in the media or general opinion?????
Point is, generally, media/culture/opinion encourages non-heteros to feel like victims, unable to do anything about their feelings, and takes away their choices. The gay person themselves becomes convinced of the truth of this and actually becomes a victim, not of their sexuality but of their own (concuring to be right) thoughts.
It diminishes the value of the non-heterosexual person, does not help in development but achieves the opposite.
Actually, it's culture and public opinion, and as a result, the gay person themselves, create pigeon-holes and stick labels... where they just came out of a closet. As unwitting victims,, at best they are put a different closet, a different box... and yeh!! we all believe that's okay.
How wild can it get.
