Not Yet Oriented...
but going together = me AND you
It remained my burden, my uniqueness, my challenge, my inner self only partially recognizing who he, my husband, was...
Okay, my sexual preference wasn't all defining for my identity, it still held a central position within our marriage. What to do with this missing link that would have made me complete? I couldn't ignore what I had essentially found my answer in and accepted within myself as part of myself.
As a result, there remained a kind of void, an emptiness. Something that my husband shouldn't actually influence, because it was mine. It remained an essential weighty element that determined the shape of our relation and had to be taken into account.
In essence this meant the door to my emotional innerself was closed. The most important aspect that I completely overlooked and underestimated was the depth of emptiness, and longing this caused for the other.
I had to realize that a choice for the continuation of our marriage and thus my husband, also means a choice for a desire for shared intimacy and real connectedness. Two becoming one is not just a good intention and putting your best foot forward. It's more than being the best soulmates in the world... but don't touch what I feel inside.
One's preference does not override the other's. One's need is not more important than the other's.
Love is not just a nice walk and cozy evenings watching a movie together or having deep conversations with a glass of wine. Even lovingly caring for the children together is not the only reason. The result of deep love between two people is the desire, a responding to each other in intimacy, being known by and in each other in sexuality. Sex is a mere natural and spontaneous result of that. The choice is not just for your marriage, but for your husband. The one you married. Having intercourse or intimacy stems from that.
The lack of insight into the distinction between friend and lover, is just as damaging to a Mixed-Orientation Marriage as holding onto your sexual preference as the only and most important definition of your identity.
Onmisbare waarden voor samen zijn
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Eén voorkeur krijgt geen voorkeurspositie
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De behoefte van de één weegt niet zwaarder dan die van de ander
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Liefde is méér dan wandelingen, films of gesprekken
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De ware uitdrukking van liefde is verlangen — elkaar kennen en gekend worden, ook op intiem niveau
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Seks is geen plicht, geen prestatie, maar een natuurlijke uiting van wederkerigheid
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De keuze gaat niet alleen over het huwelijk voortzetten, maar over de persoon voor wie je koos
Een gebrek aan inzicht in dit onderscheid kan een Mixed-Orientation Marriage net zo kwetsbaar maken als het vasthouden aan je voorkeur als kern van identiteit.
Central core and boundary
If you choose a MOM, that is the only fact that matters and has consequences based on that one (joint) decision to be able to (continue to) build on this (new) foundation.
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Je persoonlijke denkkern
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Het (samen) bouwen van je huwelijk rond de gevoelens die bij beiden kunnen spelen
There are two different cores that are important to recognize. Blocks that prevent progress. Restricting factors that negatively influence thinking and seem to keep you stuck in maintaining tension and conflicts around sexuality and prevent intimacy within the marriage.
While as a couple you need space, creativity, playfulness, and openness to build and grow. Away from the created commotion, confusion, and pain, towards (re)building trust and unity in the choice you make for each other and in wanting to allow and get to know each other.
Thought core
Sexual preference is (thus only) a part of this, but your personality consists of many more things. Even sexuality is not just and only your preference.
It was (and still is) about making choices that I considered for myself and (learning what the right ones are) have begun to follow.
At least... if I want to be true to who I am in the first place, regardless of any preferences and feelings: Responsible, loving, honest, reasonably intelligent, creative, dedicated and wanting to be faithful, my Christianity and the promises made therein, truth and openness, etc. Actually the fingerprint of who you are in totality. That is the totality of who you really want to be.
For i would nullify my own self as "total being" while at the same time devaluing my marriage, by not letting the love for my husband rule and be just as precious in what belongs to me.
If my partner doesn't belong to that category and has lower priority, or if I can't love him, the only option is to separate.
Placing solely the importance on an extra (difficult) part of ME is egocentric. Not honest nor faithful. It's called claiming. In contrast: Loving him as he loves me is also to give that back. Being faithful and taking care of what you are responsible for. That privilege is not just for me to receive from my partner.
The choice for 2 = we
The suffocating thought prison I had was that I only have two options: (a) Lesbian and I can't/may not deny myself OR (b) suppress and subordinate my feelings to our mutual interest.
That's what society suggests, almost imposes if you don't act on your feelings: then you're denying yourself.
And it locked me up, like a monkey holding on to the "banana in the jar".
It all changed when I discovered I have free and unrestricted choice. I am the governor of what I hold important, what I want, determine or think, and want to pursue. That is my responsibility and personality. I'm not losing or denying myself at all, nor my sexuality or preference if I use that as a starting point.
My own thinking (= because of those sexual feelings I can't do otherwise) had prevented me from enjoying his love and intimacy. This realization actually opened a second door that had been closed before: Could it also be that I closed the emotional door to want to actually (give) love?
Our relationship was built around the missing and rejected feelings.
I was my own limiting factor preventing to give myself or to dare to enjoy sexuality and intimacy. However, I can open the door to the other if I truly want to. I can love whom I want! That's my choice. It's my life. It's my "preference" to do so.
When you choose marriage, you do it out of love, from yourself, for each other, with each other, because you want to, are happy about it, and want to love as you have promised each other. It aimes, like a catalyst, to have a positive effect.
But on the contrary, the oppressive factor at the core of our marriage had been the major focus, shifted and magnified, as it were, by building our relationship around either the missing or rejected feelings.
It opened my eyes. All this "taking into account...", "accepting each other but still...", "desires of both that are never fully answered...", "pain that can never be completely alleviated...", "Wanting to be fully known by the other but just not enough...".
Everything actually revolved (unnoticed) around my little 'central core.'
This was a very important eye-opener for me. The image our marriage should carry should be a different one. One in which not only MY being and functioning were determining. The priority of a marriage should be love that supports each other. And love means that neither is in the closet with feelings, considerations, pain, and shortcomings.
There is actually much more freedom and space when you don't impose on yourself the commandment of "I cannot do otherwise." Freedom begins with accepting yourself as a complete person, who you are and also truly want to be. To be able to follow through on what you want to pursue and make your own choices for.
That is fundamental and fully orienting."
The choice for 2 = we
As a conclusion in line with the previous topics, a closer look at processing and implementation is appropriate. Mainly because we thought for a long time that we were doing the right thing. And yes, in essence, we were. We accepted each other as we were. But nonetheless, we both missed something we longed to receive, it lacked fulfillment. We lost much time believing that our will and good intentions, bounded by mutual commitment, were enough and that things would improve over time by itself. It seemed like we were walking through each other's garden, trying to make it attractive, but lacking the fertile soil to truly make it flourish.
But being married is a verb. Under normal circumstances, that's already the case, but even more so for a MOM.
The choice for 2 = we
One reason for this was trying to repair things. By somehow trying to bring back the feeling and life as it was in the early years of our marriage. But that would never happen. I was no longer the same person, and Bert felt, in who he was, rejected for a long time. Our history and circumstances had changed us both.
So... no... not going back again and trying to mimic the old situation as best as possible. A hapless attempt to change back the actual situation to how it was. Of course, this didn't work.
INot only it was the wrong path it also demanded a toll from Bert due to the lasting and increasing feeling of emotional rejection.
And for myself, it kept me stuck in my inner turmoil that could not be fulfilled and still was lingering deep down.
If we had continued like this, we would have remained stuck and our MOM would have continued to struggle.
Er ontstaat juist ruimte en vrijheid wanneer je beide het gebod loslaat van 'we kunnen niet anders'.
Dat is geen beperking, maar de bron van vrijheid, richting en oriëntatie!