top of page

Not yet oriented... 

  but going together = me AND you

It remained my burden, my uniqueness, my challenge, my inner self only partially recognizing who he, my husband, was...
Okay, my sexual preference wasn't all defining for my identity, it still held a central position within our marriage. What to do with this missing link that would have made me complete? I couldn't ignore what I had essentially found my answer in and accepted within myself as part of myself.
As a result, there remained a kind of void, an emptiness. Something that my husband shouldn't actually influence, because it was mine. It remained an essential weighty element that determined the shape of our relation and had to be taken into account.
In essence this meant the door to my emotional innerself was closed. The most important aspect that I completely overlooked and underestimated was the depth of emptiness, and longing this caused for the other.
I had to realize that a choice for the continuation of our marriage and thus my husband, also means a choice for a desire for shared intimacy and real connectedness. Two becoming one is not just a good intention and putting your best foot forward. It's more than being the best soulmates in the world... but don't touch what I feel inside.
One's preference does not override the other's. One's need is not more important than the other's.
Love is not just a nice walk and cozy evenings watching a movie together or having deep conversations with a glass of wine. Even lovingly caring for the children together is not the only reason. The result of deep love between two people is the desire, a responding to each other in intimacy, being known by and in each other in sexuality. Sex is a mere natural and spontaneous result of that. The choice is not just for your marriage, but for your husband. The one you married. Having intercourse or intimacy stems from that.
The lack of insight into the distinction between friend and lover, is just as damaging to a Mixed-Orientation Marriage as holding onto your sexual preference as the only and most important definition of your identity.

There are two different cores that are important to recognize. Blocks that prevent progress. Restricting factors that negatively influence thinking and seem to keep you stuck in maintaining tension and conflicts around sexuality and prevent intimacy within the marriage.
While as a couple you need space, creativity, playfulness, and openness to build and grow. Away from the created commotion, confusion, and pain, towards (re)building trust and unity in the choice you make for each other and in wanting to allow and get to know each other.


Central core and boundary

Thought core 


Sexual preference is (thus only) a part of this, but your personality consists of many more things. Even sexuality is not just and only your preference.

It was (and still is) about making choices that I considered for myself and (learning what the right ones are) have begun to follow.
At least... if I want to be true to who I am in the first place, regardless of any preferences and feelings: Responsible, loving, honest, reasonably intelligent, creative, dedicated and wanting to be faithful, my Christianity and the promises made therein, truth and openness, etc. Actually the fingerprint of who you are in totality. That is the totality of who you really want to be.

For i would nullify my own self as "total being" while at the same time devaluing my marriage, by not letting the love for my husband rule and be just as precious in what belongs to me.
If my partner doesn't belong to that category and has lower priority, or if I can't love him, the only option is to separate.
Placing solely the importance on an extra (difficult) part of ME is egocentric. Not honest nor faithful. It's called claiming. In contrast: Loving him as he loves me is also to give that back. Being faithful and taking care of what you are responsible for. That privilege is not just for me to receive from my partner.

The choice for 2 = we

Our relationship was built around the missing and rejected feelings.

The suffocating thought prison I had was that I only have two options: (a) Lesbian and I can't/may not deny myself OR (b) suppress and subordinate my feelings to our mutual interest.

That's what society suggests, almost imposes if you don't act on your feelings: then you're denying yourself.

And it locked me up, like a monkey holding on to the "banana in the jar".

It all changed when I discovered I have free and unrestricted choice. I am the governor of what I hold important, what I want, determine or think, and want to pursue. That is my responsibility and personality. I'm not losing or denying myself at all, nor my sexuality or preference if I use that as a starting point.

My own thinking (= because of those sexual feelings I can't do otherwise) had prevented me from enjoying his love and intimacy. This realization actually opened a second door that had been closed before: Could it also be that I closed the emotional door to want to actually (give) love?

I was my own limiting factor preventing to give myself or to dare to enjoy sexuality and intimacy. However, I can open the door to the other if I truly want to. I can love whom I want! That's my choice. It's my life. It's my "preference" to do so.
When you choose marriage, you do it out of love, from yourself, for each other, with each other, because you want to, are happy about it, and want to love as you have promised each other. It aimes, like a catalyst, to have a positive effect.

But on the contrary, the oppressive factor at the core of our marriage had been the major focus, shifted and magnified, as it were, by building our relationship around either the missing or rejected feelings.

It opened my eyes. All this "taking into account...", "accepting each other but still...", "desires of both that are never fully answered...", "pain that can never be completely alleviated...", "Wanting to be fully known by the other but just not enough...".

Everything actually revolved (unnoticed) around my little 'central core.'
This was a very important eye-opener for me. The image our marriage should carry should be a different one. One in which not only MY being and functioning were determining. The priority of a marriage should be love that supports each other. And love means that neither is in the closet with feelings, considerations, pain, and shortcomings.


There is actually much more freedom and space when you don't impose on yourself the commandment of "I cannot do otherwise." Freedom begins with accepting yourself as a complete person, who you are and also truly want to be. To be able to follow through on what you want to pursue and make your own choices for.
That is fundamental and fully orienting."


Interested to read more?

bottom of page