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    want het gaat niet om alleen ♥   

       ♪ ik ben compleet met jou Ԓ      

Orientation  = Marriage


As a conclusion in line with the previous topics, a closer look at processing and implementation is appropriate. Mainly because we thought for a long time that we were doing the right thing. And yes, in essence, we were. We accepted each other as we were. But nonetheless, we both missed something we longed to receive, it lacked fulfillment. We lost much time believing that our will and good intentions, bounded by mutual commitment, were enough and that things would improve over time by itself. It seemed like we were walking through each other's garden, trying to make it attractive, but lacking the fertile soil to truly make it flourish.

But being married is a verb. Under normal circumstances, that's already the case, but even more so for a MOM.



One reason for this was trying to repair things. By somehow trying to bring back the feeling and life as it was in the early years of our marriage. But that would never happen. I was no longer the same person, and Bert felt, in who he was, rejected for a long time. Our history and circumstances had changed us both.

So... no... not going back again and trying to mimic the old situation as best as possible. A hapless attempt to change back the actual situation to how it was. Of course, this didn't work.

INot only it was the wrong path it also demanded a toll from Bert due to the lasting and increasing feeling of emotional rejection.

And for myself, it kept me stuck in my inner turmoil that could not be fulfilled and still was lingering deep down.

If we had continued like this, we would have remained stuck and our MOM would have continued to struggle.


The understanding that 'a MOM is a process that must continue to unfold' is therefore very important to convey. As long as neither of you is at a point where you really want to be together, keep striving on that path forward. Until you reach that crossroad where things change. The result turned out to be a completely new situation for us...

For us that crossroad was just one simple remark, in a room full of people and about a completely different topic. But in me, that remark caused a chain reaction that completely put me on a different track. Like a small pebble causing an avalanche. From experience to insight.

No rocket science, but making targeted and well-considered choices. Combined with the simple reasoning: if A is true, then step B is the consequence of it, at least when you want to stay true to who you are and want to be (= your total identity).

What I want to identify myself with encompasses so much more than just my sexuality; it encompasses what I want to convey, my children, my legacy of faith, values, trust. Most importantly my husband, the one with whom I and with whom I know myself to be complete. That is not something you pick up from culture and media. It's not anything like being 'forced' into it, out of a sort of subservience. No way, it's something I freely choose from my heart.

It is the pivot of being free to know who you are and what you want to stand for as a person.

Not by being forced, from some sort of subservience, but freely allowed and able to.

If you choose a MOM, that is the only fact that matters and has consequences based on that one (joint) decision to be able to (continue to) build on this (new) foundation.

So choosing my husband means: finding the meaning, the value, in the relationship with my husband. And even more importantly: not maintaining feelings that I deny myself or deprive myself of (because that means: I'm missing something).

If I were to miss something, that would be in direct contradiction to my choice.

So inherently, I must let go of the feeling that I need to nurture/miss my feelings for women! (mind you... that doesn't mean that SSA is ignored or healed, etc.) But I'm not missing something that I, from my heart, make a decision about and pay no attention to or long for.

The deep-down imprisoning rabbit hole beneath the surface: I felt a lack, I had to distance myself from something, but I also long to allow my own intimate preference space and not have to hide and ignore it, but still...

That would mean holding onto what I didn't choose, hidden beneath the surface of the decision (= what I prefer), at the expense of...

Bottom line is that it seems like making a choice, but actually refusing to let go of what you didn't choose and subtly maintaining a void. Disobedient to yourself?

You don't make such a choice out of 'duty calls', but out of your drive/love to want to move forward together, isn't it? Don't give to others what you would never want to give to yourself. 

God doesn't ask you to walk around frustrated and deprived of happiness in a black dress, bearing a heavy burden.

But a choice (my preference is towards being together, husband and being married and not towards my preference for women) does have consequences: experiencing who we are allowed to be for each other and filling this together with creativity, openness, and transparency.

So towards a position: I don't deny myself anything, I know who I am, and I feel complete and content with that. What I want is that what I'm committed to.

That is the chosen direction because that is who I want to be: a married woman who loves her husband. Fact! And this is what I want to deal with, and with that fact alone.

This is a new foundation for going forward together and recognizes the new. That makes the choice a working progress. Whithout force, but voluntarily taking a new/different path.

It is remarkably liberating to choose to be in the freedom to make choices and to be aware of the power that it gives you. Choices and heartily knowing why they align with your person and are in accordance with the totality of who you are.

Here, a new mindset began to emerge based on what I wanted to follow and concluded was the right path to take, and... you may believe it or not, but largely based on quite ordinary logical thinking, where all gay scripts and religious nonsense and vague opinions went up in smoke. But also not denying that part of sexuality within myself. One does not exclude the other. I am allowed to be who I am.

I don't think God asks to walk around in a black dress, frustrated and deprived of happiness, bearing a heavy burden, that's not what the Bible is about at all. It's about truth, trust and love, and total acceptance and care. It's about wanting to deal with what is mine and entrusted to me in real, unadulterated sincerity. Not because I'm forced into it, out of a sort of subservience, but because I'm allowed and able to and convinced of freely,

All in all, it provides an image of a new foundation, or even identity, conviction, and well-considered choices of our marriage.


But what about feelings?

Although it wasn't willful exclusion, I wasn't even aware of it... too focused on just my own 'sexual preference' and the resulting problem and difficulty. A progressing TUNNEL VISION.

That wall came down when I stopped looking at myself and started looking at us. No longer focusing on preference but on marriage. So no longer so strictly placing the issue of preference at the door of our marriage. The blinds in front of my field of view shifted in such a way that a different perspective emerged.

It encouraged a naturally and safe environment for both of us. Through a lot of open and honest communication together (recognizing, acknowledging, and drawing constructive conclusions together), not excluding forgiveness for the pain causing (perhaps unconsciously and unintentionally but still present) each other or neglected feelings. In which openness, acceptance, and clarification emerged. It created the where I could, and wanted to, allow what I had previously refused to let in. It created the space we both actually needed to share similar issues though from each our different perspectives.

As this unfolded and developed, feelings followed will and a joint path to choose.

And the strange thing was... it revealed that it exactly matched and complemented with who I desired to be identified. Pursuing to be known as you want to be known, and where trust is not damaged. Where you want to give and may receive without reservation. Unexpectedly, but without doubt, a new genuine physical desire for love and intimacy sprang forth.

I can share my feelings with him and fully enjoy sexuality. I deeply love him. As he is, as a man. In this, I can receive his feelings for me and give myself without hindrance to him. Just as a heterosexual woman experiences it.

Taking a less accepted other path does not mean that passion is wanting

Without limitation or boundaries. We are a unity and enjoy each other. Both lovingly and proudly of each other to be connected with a beautiful person in intense dependence on each other.


Although some may differ to typical heterosexual feelings and spark my fire, I thoroughly enjoy every aspect of our sexual relationship.  And it certainly does not rule out passioned love 😊. Excitement, pleasure, and intimacy flow to where your heart desires are. Where you seek connection, depth, and fulfillment within the boundaries of your marriage with creativity and joy. For us, the aspect of 'preference' isn't an issue anymore. We accept each other as we are.

It is simply not true that a sexual relationship in a monogamous MOM is necessarily limited. Sure, sex in a MOM can be problematic, as we experienced ourselves, but it definitely can evolve further, and into much better.

LOVE is not a feeling but an act of your will.

Intimate feelings arise from choices made as well-considered decisions, based on deeply held beliefs of what is the right path. It is where your heart, your identity, your faith, and your dedication lie: what you have recognized, acknowledged, and accepted as truth.


Interested in reading more?

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