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Aim to strive for

Opting for what you don't choose?

Earlier pages describe only a few elements of the tunnel (vision). A route with only one direction: if you truly want to be authentic and stand up for your true self, it means deeply subscribing to the notion that your (own) sense of preference determines your path, emotions, and status.

But fundamentally, that's not the case at all... unless living out your sexual feelings is the only thing that encompasses and dictates your total being, and the source of personality and 'true' self is merely driven by sexuality. And the manual of who you can and should love with all your heart, soul, and being is carved in reinforced concrete.

And choice is a imposed command, little flexible, playful, or dynamic, and provides no freedom.

I also put myself in that same category while traversing the rabbit hole of narrow-minded thinking. I didn't stand for who I was in totality, although I thought I did. Wherein promises, faith, marriage, love, openness, honesty, and loyalty to them, as well as many other qualities that belong to me, were fundamentally present.

My feelings made the choice. By merely continuing to cherish 'deep down' my sense of loss and therefore not distancing myself from what I didn't choose: the sole authority of my feelings and preferences. There was no realization that there was also a sole right for my spouse, and thereby missing that our marriage, i.e., a loving relationship with your spouse, the essential choice we aimed for together was functional but lacked preference.

When the right ingredients are lacking to nourish that, working on such a relationship becomes a cumbersome baggage of obligation for one and surrender and abstinence for the other.

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Denial of yourself doesn't start from SSA but from a feeble decision.

In fact, having SSA in marriage any real individual responsibility that corresponds to stay 'real' and 'true' to oneself is inconcistant to begin with in regard to a feeble decision.

The personal lack keeps it's hold. Or, my heart is elsewere but I chose this marriage. Either way, it is contradicting (true) self, and in itself therefore a denial. A denial that keeps captive and makes a victim in circumstances. 

Isn't it strange that spouses with SSA still keeping a firm grip by stating they are true and authentic in regard to feelings but don't recognize themselves anymore in the subsequent marriage?

The outcome shouldn't be resenting or dislike.  

Whatever the outcome, the consequence should be:

  • Being content with what is chosen.

  • Not being a victim of a circumstances. 

Right?

So, a mature and full-fledged choice.

Because that, in my opinion, is a complete acceptance of the self: This is who I am, this is what I believe as right and good, and what I stand for and want to pursue!

That means understanding with the heart and will to let go of what you don't choose and go for the choice you do make.

Because sex and intimacy stem from love and are a consequence.

Real love seeks and trusts and needs the other, so it doesn't claim to let one's own feeling prevail as the exclusive right. 

It's a consequence of being vulnerable, honest, and faithful to yourself and the other.

This tunnel vision, of which I very concretely discovered that it was not a positive vision but a negative lie that I held onto at the expense of my husband, prevented me from finding freedom. It seized my thinking and determined my motivation.

Letting go of the banana in the jar was letting go of one-sided tunnel vision and self-interest thinking. Moral truths, loyalty, and love are not tied to sexual preference and accordingly the 'inability'. But they are linked to wanting and being able to freely choose with your whole heart to continue together.

It is right to distance yourself and let go of what you don't choose.
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If I didn't want that, I was excluding my spouse and already being unfaithful in that, and prioritizing my own interests. While I asked him to be faithful to me and to love unselfishly.

Very tangible and (op)real essential principles.

Uncovering this brought a crucial difference and higher meaning. Away from what 'culture says is good' and stereotype-sensitive BS, but back to being accountable for who I want to be in it's entirety.


Marriage is not a side issue, and my preference is not a main issue. But it's about two people, one not more important than the other. For me personally, it meant being able to genuinely choose my husband again.

The feeling that deep down you still miss something and are not complete, as if you have lost yourself in a process, and have a secret...? That means you are shortchanging yourself and not fully accepting who you want to be, or the worth of your spouse.

Apparently you have made a choice that you do not fully support.

Because it directly opposes who you really want to be as a human, your personality, your total identity that says: this is who I am, this is what I believe, and this is what I stand for. I have a certain preference, so be it.

But my partner is of more importance to me, my love is not held captive by preference but can be freely given from my heart because i want to.

That result is living in freedom, no limitations. Just the two of us!

Beautiful, relaxed, romantic, intimate, sexual, and where we enjoy each other.

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Where I never understood what deep and true love was, I now know what it means and entails. It depends on what I consider valuable and hold true. That goes much further than mere intention and rigidly fighting against my feelings and preferences.

I was allowed to accept myself as I was, preference and all. The choice is mine and based on what resonates with me, fits, and is what I want. Because I love my husband and can enjoy and love him. Romantically, physically, and with my whole heart. Also to be able to fully give myself to my husband because he also seeks and wants to find me. That's where we stand side by side.

Particular by no longer just looking at myself and the singular importance of my feelings, I gradually began to understand what being a man means, his goals, where his dreams and promises began and deepened. And above all... what is meant at the core by: what it means to "be a man" (of a woman) and the deep value of a marriage.

It's important to fully understand this. It's important in a heterosexual marriage but of major in a MOM. Knowing who and what I am to my husband, and to see that reflected in his meaning and love to me. It was precisely that insight that made new growth possible. It's not our preference that determines, but the total acceptance of who we are and as we are, where we can and want to affirm each other.

It was the foundation for genuinely falling in love again.

Feelings can follow where mind, heart, and choices align. Because that is the complete you, who refuses to be a victim of feelings. 
That's not something that's often heard, I think, because culture believes that feelings are the source of who someone is. But that's not true. If "depression" were a feeling... you wouldn't say that, right? You would look for ways and meanings to get a grip on it, an attempt not to let depression control your life. And it also doesn't deny it!! Feelings do indeed tell you something, but they shouldn't have control over you, nor should they dictate the route.

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Interested in reading more?

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