Tempestuous Waters
Looking back on the past years, I realize I underestimated and avoided certain things, made good choices, but also made quite a few (sometimes unconscious) mistakes.
In the early years, feelings and fears fought for dominance in my mind, fearing losing myself and no longer being authentic. My certainty about my feelings determined the course I thought I should take.
Although I wanted to preserve my marriage, I regarded my feelings of SSA for years as extra baggage I had to carry. This limited my perspective: "This is who I am, and I must learn to live with it." Such a thought has strong consequences for both partners in a mixed-orientation marriage (MOM). Although I only realized much later that this is disruptive, at the time I was convinced I was on the right path.
Unconsciously, I placed it as a burden on my shoulders, like a straitjacket that closed in around me and did not contribute to improving our marriage. Our relationship became a sort of "living together, but fundamentally separated by this barrier". That is not what a successful MOM relationship should be characterized by.
It's not just about changing a feeling. It's not just about having a deep desire to continue the marriage in a good way. It's also not simply about following a path of good intentions and intentions to share your life with someone you care deeply about. It's not about artificially making lesbian feelings secondary or considering these feelings less valuable than what I should feel for my husband.
No, it required my whole heart!
It took time before I could make this distinction and fully understand its value. Even being a Christian does not exempt you from the need to think for yourself and, as a result, make choices. Not even the less wise choices, which sometimes take a lot of time to discover what you could have done differently or to consider if you are still on the right path.
Whether someone is religious or not doesn't even touch the core. You don't have to be religious to reconsider things by looking closely at your life and experiences. It's about deciding which direction to take and what values are important to you. Who you want to be, where you stand, and what truths you cherish.
Lightning from heaven that changed all circumstances?
No, God doesn't work that way.
It would have been nice if there had been some kind of spiritual flash from heaven that changed all circumstances. God could easily change my sexual orientation. However, that's not how God works.
I certainly don't want to proclaim a religious bag of tricks.
However, values that are characteristic of my faith are important to us. Sincerity, being faithful to promises, love that seeks acceptance and respect for others. Believing in the richness of His grace that sets free and doesn't impose a burden, is an enormously important ingredient for us, and the Bible is our guide. That provides a pretty solid foundation.
In the beginning, this was the only driving force for us to continue together. We had each other and our marriage, and just like everyone else, we had to figure out how to place our feelings and keep the relationship going.
The values we considered right and good formed the basis for the choices we made and how we wanted to deal with things. It wasn't an easy road, but ultimately it became the best one.
Our situation is not unique, but it is our story. We want to share it to help others.
Sharing experiences, finding understanding, and being taken seriously often means, for another person: recognizing that you are not alone, finding recognition in the struggle you're going through, and accepting that you are not alone.
Perhaps you'll find some points of connection in our story that can be helpful.
