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Differences  in Perception

Even when the gay partner is trying to support you, their own discovery and coming out is so overwhelming in their thoughts that they don’t really understand or feel what you (the heterosexual partner) are going through. It makes you feel like you're carrying your own burden alone, even when both of you have positive intentions for your relationship. Looking back on those early years, I’m still a bit astonished at how my wife, at the time, was largely unaware of what I was experiencing. It took her a long time to truly understand. My feelings were genuinely a blind spot for her. This was remarkable and quite strange, even though I may not have always been clear enough at the time, meaning I was too protective to avoid hurting her feelings and absorbed the pain I felt. This is very contradictory, as it was also necessary not to be too harsh on her. It’s a complicated balancing act to move forward together while also not sacrificing your own feelings and boundaries.

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But be sure to be loving and empathetic, while still setting boundaries that should not be crossed!

Setting boundaries and being clear about them from the start is important. Sometimes, heterosexual partners feel pressured to concede, out of a false sense of obligation to be "supportive." Coupled with cultural pressure, and perhaps in the hope that this will save the marriage, they may choose a form of open relationship. I believe this only causes harm, and even if it succeeds, the resulting marriage is then degraded and distorted into something that is no longer worthwhile. In my opinion, it’s better to separate in that situation and find someone else. Both partners need to be on the same wavelength concerning their goal. Ideally, this should be through conviction and voluntary choice. That is the foundation that needs to be explicitly established. It must be well thought out and completely sincere. You will face difficult times working through it together, which presents more than enough challenges, so it must be very clear that the priority is each other and the marriage. Approach it as something you both encounter as a team; there will be problems, but you have a common goal. (the difference inthe initial emotional state makes this no easy task.)

As a Christian, you should have learned the meaning of love.
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This also emphasizes the importance of the character and personality of the individuals involved. The values that you both hold and share, and how genuine they are. For example, being a Christian can be an enormous help and positive force, but is it rooted in the heart or is it just a convenient warm feeling? As a Christian, you should have learned the true meaning of love, which is very different from what Hollywood portrays. Love can sometimes resemble more of a sacrifice than a happy feeling. Love is more an expression of will than the experience of a feeling. While I don’t think we will ever fully grasp this, understanding what love is in the Bible and recognizing it can make a significant difference.

At its core, a successful mixed-orientation marriage is primarily a matter of choice. A choice made freely, a choice made out of love. It is something that you BOTH want. Not forced, but something you completely voluntary choose for. Certainly, making a choice means that you forgo certain experiences, but you also gain other experiences. That is simply the inevitable consequence of making a choice. When you marry, you choose each other, which excludes many other options. But that is also the essential ingredient and purpose of making that choice. Similarly, when faced with the situation of a mixed-orientation marriage, the question (and should be) is again: what do you choose? You may both need time to answer this, not an infinite amount of time, but enough to think about it and discuss it. In the meantime, do not make drastic decisions or engage in experimental things that you might regret later. Go slowly, consider, and talk a lot!

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Interested to read more?

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