Tunnelvision
It is undeniable that the discovery of SSA feelings in someone often leads to significant inner confusion, especially when such feelings arise within a marriage. For the person experiencing SSA feelings, a subtle yet powerful thought pattern emerges, which, often unconsciously, reshapes their mental world in an almost natural way, leading to tunnel vision.
It is crucial to be aware of the deeper layers and dynamics at play, as both partners experience these from different perspectives.
Coping with increasingly SSA feelings, there we might meet a sidelined partner.
Some might describe this as 'developing a new identity'. However, I do not share that view. Acknowledging SSA feelings does not define one's entire identity. Sexuality alone does not shape your entire personality either. SSA feelings are just one part of the broader whole of a person's sexuality and personality.
This definition does not relinquish control, as if you have no say in what you do with your life (=who you are), nor the responsibility to take choices and accountability seriously.
But that's exactly what will increasingly be overshadowed by tunnelvision: the 'lack of choice'! The 'lack of control' over who you are.
The SSA and thus 'YOUR' sexuality become dominant and prominently more important, above all other aspects that make a person who they are. In other words, the SSA or YOUR sexuality dictate the direction and everything is subject to it. It guides and controls and determines what you think and do. Because well... 'I cannot help being who I am..., I must not deny myself because then I am trapped in cramped anxiety '
It's no longer something 'just' about yourself: the secret that, until now, only concerned yourself. But now there is a total collision in the relationship each with and from their own perspective. It affects the relationship in its entirety. But a totality where both seek control over AND seek their input to the resulting confusion that arises. Mind you... the one with SSA feelings, where the other suddenly becomes the sidelined partner.
Both positive and negative (especially for the SSA partner up to that point) inner thoughts and stirrings now now aired, given space, and expressed: from seeking relief and finding solace, openness and reassurance (= but I still love you!!), conversation and contemplation and drawing conclusions, to closing (emotional) doors, defending oneself, and maintaining inner feelings.
Both partners influence this unconscious phenomenon.
The tunnel vision is further fueled and the thinking margins expanded by the heterosexual partner: out of love for the SSA partner who apparently has had these feelings for a long time and had to suppress them, and thus is struggling with a big problem. Of course, they want nothing more than for their now SSA partner to untangle who they are and get to know themselves and know what they really feel. Just like the heterosexual partner has a clear picture of their own sexuality, intimacy, and confusing feelings.
Almost to the point of guilt: because it 'never' occurred that such issues were at play, and 'it turns out' that you may have deprived your partner of something. Of course, you don't want to stand in the way of that!
Despite it completely contradicting everything that had been true for your marriage up until then, what you meant to each other, and what you promised to be to each other on your wedding day.
At the same time, the thought boundaries of the partner with SSA feelings begin to narrow. Gradually, but with increasing reinforcement from their own interpretations and responses to these feelings, this perspective gains more validity. The SSA feelings are increasingly given justification (confirmation) to hold their ground in the person's own reasoning and reflections on SSA, thus legitimizing the inevitable distance that must be taken between the partners.
This results in thoughts, choices, and life being increasingly considered (and limited), and the focus being on the justified 'I', 'feeling', and 'self'. Consequently causing heterosexual feelings, thoughts, and life to become increasingly detached, the nasty growing barrier in the relationship.
On one hand, this is a logical consequence. Knowing who you are and what you feel inside is indeed: accepting feelings and acknowledging what you experience and its effect on yourself.
On the other hand, the consequence is: The inclination not only to affirm the SSA feelings as part of who you are but also to prioritize them. So, making the importance of these feelings above everything that was there (your marriage, your heterosexual spouse, promises, interests, and meanings) completely subordinate to that.
This realization actually comes more and more to the forefront of thinking. As a result, accompanying behavior, and its development, is marginally justified based on: 'My identity is determined by the sexuality that I experience within myself as essential, and with this, I am authentic to myself and do not want to deny myself.'
When this happens, it inherently means that, where previously your marital relationship and your partner were the priority, now your feeling in regard to SSA move to the frontstage, and the partner gradually moves into the background.
