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Turbulent Waters

When Linda told me she had discovered she was lesbian, it was a shock. I loved her; we had been married for 20 years and had gone through both beautiful and difficult times together. I didn't want to give this up easily, nor the future we could still have together. This feeling was mutual; Linda's revelation was not intended as an announcement of divorce.

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We want to stay together, but yes... nothing is as it once was; it's as if the foundation under a house has been removed. It's uncertain whether the structure above can still be inhabitable.

Understanding what all of this means for your relationship, yourself, and the other person isn't something you can grasp or process all at once. It's extremely intense and emotional for both partners. Nevertheless, it's a completely different experience for each individual.

For me, it was a complex situation we found ourselves in, and it was a challenge how to deal with it. On one hand, this meant being wise, setting boundaries that we would adhere to, and choosing a monogamous relationship (both sexually and emotionally) regardless. Marriage is more than friendship, so we wouldn't be living in separate bedrooms.

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In other words, striving for a complete marriage.

In other words, we aimed for a complete marriage. That was the plan and the goal. This obviously didn’t mean we would achieve it simply by setting it as a goal. For the time being, there would be limitations, and it wouldn’t be ideal or feel perfect. It was what it was; we moved forward in the hope of reaching the goal. I had no idea if that hope was realistic; it could very well turn out to be a dead end. What did Linda’s sexual orientation mean for our relationship? Would she one day decide to pursue a relationship with a woman? Would feelings and emotions override the will? Could I trust her in that regard? Although we set out with good intentions and sensible boundaries, it felt very vulnerable at the same time.

I had no idea if that hope was realistic. 
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For Linda, it was different; she became aware of various new feelings, looking at the world (specifically women) in a different way. For her, it all felt right and celebratory. It's understandable, but her celebration was also my drama. What she felt for women canceled out what she was supposed to feel for me. What ultimately remained for me?

The discovery and acknowledgment of her sexual orientation were so central to her experience that she hardly realized what it meant for me. In some way, she thought that not much had changed for me. Indeed, there was no change in my sexuality as it played out for her, but she didn't grasp what my feelings for her had meant and still meant. It was almost as if it was something taken for granted and simultaneously something abstract.

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It's almost inevitable that this makes communication extremely difficult. Each of us is internally dealing with vastly different emotions. Being open and honest for one can unexpectedly be hurtful for the other, leading to both feeling isolated.

Over the course of months, it became apparent that the foundation I thought our relationship rested upon was crumbling. However, the marriage vow remained, as did the determination to honor it. There was friendship, but the situation was taking an increasing emotional toll on us. Something had to change, as this was becoming unsustainable.

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